Anxiety, Stress and Burnout Support | Candlewood Counselling

Anxiety & Perfectionism

Candlewood — Tue, 17 Mar 2026 23:54:36 +0000

This post was written by Candlewood at Candlewood Counselling, a BACP registered counselling practice in Newton Abbot, Devon.

When 'doing well' creates anxiety- Perfectionism

There’s a type of anxiety that does not typically show up as anxiety.
Cloaked externally in achievement, it seems more like ‘putting in the effort’. More like being conscientious. Like being a person who cares about doing things right. It rewards you with praise at work. Respect from your colleagues. A reputation for being dependable. But internally it can feel anything but positive or relaxing. More like a hum in your brain that says ‘it’s not enough’ and that no amount of achievement quite silences.
You worry a lot about doing things perfectly and making mistakes. Maybe you don’t really experience pleasure in your success.
Sound familiar? If you’ve ever wondered whether this feeling could have a clinical explanation — or worried about how its affecting your life and how to effectively treat it — then this is a post for you.

What Is Perfectionism?

Perfectionism isn’t technically a mental health diagnosis. But it is a well-defined psychological concept with clear implications for mental health.
Lead researcher Shafran from the University of Oxford defines clinical perfectionism as overreliance on “the determined pursuit of personally demanding, self-imposed standards in at least one highly valued domain, despite adverse consequences.”
Three points from this definition are worth thinking about:
1. Self-imposed. The standards that appear in your mind are standards you’ve chosen for yourself. Usually standards you would never hold anyone else to so rigorously.
2. Your sense of self worth depends on meeting those standards. There is no floor. Once perfectionism has a grip, you cannot merely “be okay” you have to prove you’re okay.
3. Despite adverse consequences. One of perfectionism’s defining features is how it ignores feedback from your own life. Even when it’s causing distress — to your health, your relationships, your ability to relax or enjoy yourself — your inner critic knows to keep pushing you.

The Perfectionism–Anxiety Connection

Perfectionism’s relationship to anxiety is well documented.

A 2023 literature review published in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (416 studies with 113,000 participants), found strong links between perfectionism and depression, generalised anxiety, social anxiety, and OCD symptoms.
So it’s not only that perfectionism co-exists with anxiety disorders. They actively feed into each other:
Hyper-alertness to threat. Anxiety depends on perceived threat. If your whole identity depends on performing, then any situation where you will be evaluated (including by yourself) becomes a threat. Chronic physiological arousal becomes your body’s way of responding to that threat — not panic attacks necessarily but struggling to relax, feeling “on edge” and having trouble switching off.

Rumination. Mistake rumination (continually going over things you perceive you did wrong) is a proven pathway between perfectionism and both anxiety and depression. Perfectionists just can’t let go.

Avoidance. Similarly, perfectionism often causes us to procrastinate, not because we don’t want to do the work but because we don’t want to begin or finish a task where there is any risk we won’t meet the standards we’ve set. The temporary reduction in anxiety we get from putting off something important reinforces the belief that we need to be perfect to face it.

Intolerance of uncertainty Perfectionism and anxiety are both fundamentally made worse by uncertainty. When things feel unpredictable or unstable, the effort, the checking, the over-preparation makes us feel safer. Except it doesn’t.

Three Types of Perfectionism — and Why They Matter

Perfectionism is commonly divided into three distinct categories:
● Self-oriented perfectionism is when your high standards apply to yourself.
● Other-oriented perfectionism is when your high standards are applied to other people.
● Socially prescribed perfectionism is when you believe others hold high standards of you.
Each can generate anxiety, but they present differently.
Research finds that self-oriented perfectionism is primarily associated with performance anxiety and depression, particularly when you experience failure. People with high other-oriented perfectionism tend to experience their anxiety through aggression, frustration, or being let down by others.
Socially prescribed perfectionism — generally agreed to be the most damaging to mental health — is when we take others’ expectations as our own, feeling overwhelming pressure to achieve and live up to them.
Studies consistently link it to social anxiety and fear of not belonging. Socially prescribed perfectionism was one of the only types of perfectionism that increased between 1989 and 2016, mainly due to pressure to conform and social comparison, driven by increases in income inequality.

Why Perfectionism Develops

Perfectionism isn’t something you “chose” to do, a flaw in your character or a way of behaving you’ve decided is beneficial. You develop perfectionism because of some combination of factors in your life.
Most research on perfectionism points to early life experiences, particularly where support or acceptance was conditioned on achievement or behaviour. Imagine if, as a child, your parents only loved you when you got good grades or behaved how they wanted. It would stand to reason that becoming perfect would become your number one goal.
That kind of anxiety about not being good enough is logical when it develops — and so is the anxiety it provokes when you fail to live up to ‘perfect’ standards.
The relationship between attachment styles and perfectionism is also widely recognised. In particular, insecure attachment styles (especially anxious attachment) correlate with high perfectionism and low self-compassion.
The problem is self-reinforcing. The more someone struggles with perfectionism the lower their self-compassion becomes.

Why Perfectionism is Difficult to Shift

One of the reasons perfectionism is difficult to shift without support is that it is self-reinforcing. When an outcome is ok, you can come to the conclusion that the effort was necessary, not that it cost you too much. The belief is reinforced. You raise the bar. The cycle continues.

When the outcome isn’t satisfactory, the self-critical response activates, driving further striving, effort and further anxiety. You’re stuck in the cycle.

Seeking Help

Many people living with perfectionism wait a long time before seeking support — in part because perfectionism makes it difficult to feel that the situation is “bad enough” to justify asking for help. There is often a nagging feeling that the solution lies in ‘just trying harder, managing better, or finally getting things right’.

If any of what you have read here feels familiar — an anxiety that no amount of rest seems to fix, the feeling of satisfaction that never quite lands, or thequiet cost to your relationships and wellbeing — it may be worth speaking to a counsellor. Counselling can help by:

Exploring your ‘internal core beliefs’ – understanding why these high standards exist, what they protect, and what they cost
Broadening your self-evaluation: developing a more stable sense of self-worth that doesn’t depend on your ‘performance’
Testing whether the feared consequences of your ‘imperfection’ actually happen
Noticing the self-critical voice and developing a more accurate and compassionate response to yourself.

If you’re interested in finding out more about how I can help with anxiety, visit the anxiety page here.
For more information about how I can help if you’re feeling stressed, visit my counselling for stress page, or read my post about stress here.

To Get in Touch

If you’re looking to to understand what is driving the anxiety, and to build a therapeutic relationship that does not depend on what you achieve, you could contact me at Candlewood Counselling. Based in Newton Abbot and available online, I offer counselling that’s professional but human, gentle but honest, in a confidential, grounded space.

Find out more about me on the ‘About’ page to see if I sound like the right counsellor for you, or visit my Counselling Services page.

Feel free get in touch below on Whatsapp.

Samantha@ Candlewood Counselling | Counselling in Newton Abbot (TQ12) and online. Contact Samantha here

Samantha Martin | Counsellor | MBACP | MNCPS ( Accred.)

Anxiety & Perfectionism was first published on the Candlewood Counselling blog. If you are looking for individual counselling in Newton Abbot or online, visit candlewoodcounselling.co.uk

Understanding Stress -How Counselling Can Help

Candlewood — Sat, 10 Jan 2026 12:33:19 +0000

This post was written by Candlewood at Candlewood Counselling, a BACP registered counselling practice in Newton Abbot, Devon.

How Can Counselling Help With Stress?

Stress can quietly creep up on adults without us noticing at first. Perhaps you start to recognise it in the busy mornings and frazzled evenings. Or maybe it’s when you realise that you feel like you constantly need to ‘keep going’. For some people stress creeps in gradually; not necessarily caused by one huge life event, but by a constant drip-drip of responsibilities, expectations and ‘what ifs’.

Counselling support can help by allowing you some time and space to explore what’s going on in your life. A counsellor can help you look at what’s causing the symptoms you’re experiencing, and then help you work out what you need to feel more relaxed.

When Stress Becomes Part of Everyday Life

Stress is part of life. But when it becomes part of your everyday experience, it can start to impact how you feel and function. Many of us believe we just have to ‘cope’ with stress, but never take time to unravel it. We may then start to feel worn down, disconnected from others or find themselves wondering why things have suddenly become more difficult. Looking at stress — and when it might be helpful to talk to someone — is often the first step to feeling more like yourself again. of a fuss. Over time, this can leave individuals feeling worn down, disconnected, or unsure why things feel harder than they used to. Understanding stress — and recognising when it may help to seek support — can be an important first step towards feeling more balanced again.

What Is Stress?

When we experience stress, it’s the body and mind’s response to pressure. When something feels challenging or threatening, the body releases stress hormones. This can cause physical and mental changes that help us cope.
For example, short bursts of stress can help us focus, feel energised and help us problem solve.
This stress response is temporary, and the body is designed to return to normal once a stressful situation has passed.

Short-Term Stress V's Ongoing Stress

The trouble with stress sometimes is that it doesn’t always go away. If we experience ongoing challenges without regular relief, stressors can continue impacting on our thoughts, emotions and bodies.
The effects of short-term stress generally ‘switch-off’ once a situation is resolved. We might feel exhausted after a short period of time, but usually return to our day-to-day selves once it has passed.

Ongoing stress, on the other hand, can leave us feeling tired, overwhelmed, anxious and irritable. Constant stress can occur if there is little opportunity to unwind, refuel or feel emotionally supported.
Ongoing stress is not something we should just learn to live with. It’s a sign that too much pressure has been building for too long.

What Are the Causes of Stress?

When it comes to causes of stress, there’s no typical answer. For some, pressures at work or concern over job stability can contribute to their experience. For others, it may be financial pressures, relationship problems, caring responsibilities or health problems.

Stress can also arise from changes in our lives, even when these are expected or positive. Becoming a parent, moving house, feeling uncertainty about your identity or life role. Some people are impacted by the constant news cycles, speaking of troubling world events; societal pressures, and uncertainty about the future can weigh heavily on the mind.

It’s also important to remember that stress feels different for everyone. Some people can cope with many stressors while others can feel overwhelmed by small changes. Only you can determine whether your stress feels manageable, so it can sometimes be unhelpful to compare your stress levels to others.

How Does Stress Affect You?

Stress affects people in many ways. Some of the physical and emotional effects of stress are subtle, others less-so.

Emotional and Physical Effects of Stress

Stress can impact our emotions and mood. Many people find they feel more irritable, anxious, ‘down’ or numb.
Physically, stress can manifest as tiredness, muscle tension, headaches or changes to our sleep and appetite.

How Stress Can Affect Thinking and Behaviour

Many people also notice a change to how stress affects their thinking. It can make concentration difficult, decisions feel laboured and worries begin to feel repetitive. You may find yourself withdrawing from loved ones or losing interest in activities that used to bring you joy.
All of these reactions are normal responses to stress, not personal weaknesses or failure to deal with life’s difficulties.

Why Stress Can Feel Hard to Talk About

Stress is something many adults experience, but it’s also something that can be difficult to talk about. Some people dismiss their stress, convincing themselves that others have it worse. Others believe talking about stress will make them a burden to loved ones.
There can also be a sense that stress is just ‘adulting’ and we all have to deal with it. But when we don’t talk about stress, we can end up isolated with our problems, perhaps feeling that we just have to ‘get on with it’ or that it’s not bad enough to ask for help with.
These feelings are valid and understandable. Many are based on messages we learn over time about what it means to ‘cope’.

How Counselling Can Help with Stress

Counselling gives you space to talk openly about stress. You won’t be judged or expected to have all the answers. Counselling isn’t about being told what to do. Instead, counsellors support you to explore what you’re experiencing. Talking things through can help you understand why you’re feeling the way you do.
Counselling isn’t just for when you’ve reached crisis point. If stress is weighing you down, counselling can provide support at any stage.

What Stress Counselling Can Offer

Some people find counselling helps them untangle complicated situations and look at what’s going on from a different perspective. Others find it helps them learn how to say no or prioritise their own needs.
Often, people experience counselling as simply feeling heard. Having someone listen without judgement and help you find some ways forward can help you feel less alone with your stress.

Taking a Moment to Reflect

Try taking a moment to think about how stress affects you. When was the last time you had time to sit and relax? Is there anything you’ve felt unable to talk about?

Take a few deep breaths and notice what comes up for you. Sometimes pause can help you connect with what you need, rather than what you think you should feel.

Support for Stress in Newton Abbot and Beyond

Stress doesn’t have to be something you fight on your own.
Talking to someone about stress can bring small moments of relief. Over time, support can help you gain more understanding of your stress. You can begin to find your balance again.

Talking to someone about stress isn’t a sign of weakness. Quite the opposite; taking care of your mental health is an important part of taking care of yourself.

If you’re looking to work through the pressures and challenges you’re facing, and find a path to firmer ground, I offer a counselling in a space that’s professional but human, gentle but honest. Find out more about how I work on the About page and Counselling Services Stress page.

Or get in touch on Whatsapp

Common Questions About Stress and Counselling (FAQ)

Do I need counselling if I’m feeling stressed but still coping?
Many people make use of counselling services whilst continuing to work or looking after their home life. Counselling can give you the space to explore your stress before things become unmanageable.

Can counselling help with ongoing stress?
Yes! Counselling offers a safe, confidential space to talk through stressors. It can help you notice patterns and respond to stress in more helpful ways.

Is stress counselling only for severe stress or burnout?
No. Stress counselling can be beneficial at various stages of stress. Even if you feel like you’re coping, counselling can offer support if stress feels heavy, persistent or draining.

Will counselling give me techniques to manage stress?
Everyone is different, and as therapists we recognise this. Some clients will benefit from learning specific techniques to manage stress. However, it can also be helpful to take time to reflect on where the problems began, how they’ve evolved and perhaps what needs to change. Counselling is shaped around your needs.

How long does counselling for stress usually last?
This will vary from client to client. Some people prefer short-term support, others use counselling longer term, based on what they are experiencing and what they want to get out of their counselling sessions. We’ll regularly review our work to make sure you feel it’s heading in the right direction.

Sources and further reading (UK-based):

NHS – Read guidance on stress from the NHS: https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/feelings-symptoms-behaviours/stress/
Mind – Read more about Understanding stress from MIND: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/stress/
British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) – Answer to the question ‘What is counselling?’: https://www.bacp.co.uk/about-therapy/what-is-counselling/
Mental Health Foundation –Read more about the effects of stress: https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/explore-mental-health/a-z-topics/stress

Samantha@ Candlewood Counselling | Counselling in Newton Abbot (TQ12) and online. Contact Samantha here

Samantha Martin | Counsellor | MBACP | MNCPS ( Accred.)

Understanding Stress -How Counselling Can Help was first published on the Candlewood Counselling blog. If you are looking for individual counselling in Newton Abbot or online, visit candlewoodcounselling.co.uk