Counselling Advice Articles | Candlewood Counselling

The Emotional Cost of Relationships that Drain You

Candlewood — Mon, 11 May 2026 08:53:45 +0000

This post was written by Candlewood at Candlewood Counselling, a BACP registered counselling practice in Newton Abbot, Devon.

The Emotional Cost of Draining Relationships

Some people leave you feeling light and uplifted after you’ve spent time together. Other people leave you a little bit drained, a little low — even when you love them, and even when the conversation seemed completely fine at the time.

Ignoring these feelings doesn’t make them go away. If you find that you’re often tired, a bit anxious, or just emotionally flat after seeing someone, it’s important to acknowledge what’s going on for you. This isn’t about overreacting, or ending the relationship. It’s about recognising that something about it is taking a toll on you – and that’s worth a closer look.

What is an emotionally draining relationship?

Used casually, ‘draining’ covers a lot of situations. For the purposes of this article, I’m referring to a persistent mismatch between what you put into the relationship emotionally and what you get back.

The cost of giving someone more of yourself than they’re able to return can add up over time. These situations can gradually have an effect on your energy levels, your self-esteem and how you function in everyday life.

Any relationship can feel quite draining at times – it’s normal that sometimes people have bad days, go through difficult periods, and lean on us for support. What makes a relationship draining is its overall pattern. When the majority of your interactions leave you feeling slightly on edge, exhausted or a bit empty, it may be time to get curious about why.

What types of relationships leave you feeling drained?

Relationships that leave you feeling drained can develop with romantic partners, family members, friends, co-workers, or anyone who you spend regular time with.

What separates a draining relationship from a healthier one is that that this relationship feels a bit one-sided. The emotional work isn’t mutually shared.

One person (you) spends more time listening, validating, supporting. The other person doesn’t do the same for you – or may do the opposite of what you need them to.

You may genuinely love spending time with someone who needs emotional support…but when you need support yourself, need to offload or a listening ear, they’re suddenly unable to provide it in kind.

Some people find it genuinely hard to manage the give and take in relationships. They may listen well and offer support on the surface, but avoid any real intimacy or vulnerability themselves. You might feel lonely in such relationships, when you need to feel heard and understood the most. They may leave you feeling a little empty or like you’ve been ‘too much’.

Manipulative or controlling relationships can be harder to identify when you are involved in one. This is often because they tend to use guilt, shame, and other more subtle manipulations to wear you down. You might find yourself questioning your own instincts or values, or backing down and ignoring what you need. You might quietly blame yourself and adjust your behaviour to keep the other person happy.

Unresolved conflict can take a serious emotional toll on you. This could be where arguments are not fully resolved and so keep coming back and re-opening old wounds. These relationships might not be unhealthy, per se, but if you find you’re constantly walking on eggshells or avoiding the elephant in the room to keep the peace, this can seriously drain your reserves.

Codependent relationships can begin with the feeling of ‘just being devoted to each other’. But when we become too focused on someone elses’ needs, and don’t pay attention to our own, this becomes exhausting. It’s easy to confuse loving someone with taking on the bulk of the emotional responsibility in the relationship. So it’s understandable how you might come to feel drained and resentful, if you’re the one working to make the relationship ‘work’.

If someone consistently overshares, interrupts, ignores your boundaries, demands your attention: they’re not respecting your limits. Someone who loves you will want to know what your limits are — and stick to them. Limits aren’t walls. They’re what make a relationship sustainable and secure.

Why do I feel like this?

If someone’s behaviour upsets you, knowing why doesn’t excuse it. It can, however, help you understand why you reacted the way you did, or change how you interact with them going forward. Your relationship with early caregivers has a major impact on how you interact with others later in life. Unless you’ve done specific work around these topics, you might not realise it.

There’s so much more to say about this topic, but briefly, someone with an anxious attachment style may give too much in relationships to avoid abandonment. An avoidant person might shut down emotionally when their partner needs them most.

If you tend to please people, chances are that as a child, it was hard to disappoint someone or assert your own needs. The problem is that it can leave you overwhelmed by other people’s needs as an adult, an so you ‘default’ into prioritizing their needs above your own.

Trauma bonding is another dynamic that can form between two people (usually after a cycle of bad behaviour followed by apologies or warmer treatment). It isn’t weakness or being naive; it’s a known psychological response to unpredictable behaviour that therapy can help you work through.

We subconsciously perpetuate familiar patterns of thinking and behaviour, even when those patterns are painful to us. If you grew up around draining dynamics, you might keep entering relationships like this because it feels familiar to you. There’s nothing wrong with you —it’s how you’ve learned to navigate closeness. Understanding this can be the starting point for something different.

What are the signs of a draining relationship?

This is by no means an exhaustive list. But if you find most of these statements apply over time, it’s worth reflecting on what’s happening in your relationship:

You consistently feel tired or depleted after seeing this person, even if things were ‘fine.’
You experience subtle anxiety when anticipating their calls or replies.
It’s difficult to remember what you want or feel within the relationship.
You feel responsible for their feelings or reactions, often at the expense of your own.
Setting a boundary, or even just saying no, is scary or impossible. Or maybe you just don’t think it’s worth the fight.
You find yourself censoring words or walking on eggshells to prevent any issues.
You can feel ‘immersed the relationship’ most or all of the time.

One difficult conversation or a period where you’re giving a lot is not unusual – this temporary imbalance doesn’t define your relationship. What matters is how consistently you feel some of those things above, and whether, on balance, this describes how you mostly feel about that relationship.

How can counselling help with draining relationships?

Therapy can provide a useful space to talk this out. It doesn’t mean you’ve reached crisis point, or that you’re failing at your relationship. It means that you’re caring for yourself, your peace of mind, and exploring how you can improve your wellbeing.

One of the most beneficial ways counselling can help is providing clarity around what you will and won’t accept from others. You aren’t going to walk away with a bullet-point list of boundaries that magically solves everything. But you can learn to understand your limits, and how to communicate them when you’re ready.

Talking things through with your therapist can help you identify patterns like the ones above. It can also highlight any dynamic you learned early in life that might still be influencing how you connect with people today.

It can also help rebuild your sense of self when you’ve been giving too much of yourself to someone else.

Lastly, therapy can help you understand why you might keep entering relationships like this, which is usually the first step towards breaking the cycle.

What helps with managing a relationship that's draining?

Notice how you feel. Before you see them, during, and after. Patterns become clearer once you start paying attention to them.
Journaling can help, but don’t use it to create a list of grievances. You’re simply looking for patterns and disproving the belief that it’s all in your head.
Small things help build up your limits. If you know saying no to this person fills you with panic, you can start small. Not being available to talk right now is a boundary. Deciding not to engage with a certain topic is another.
Limiting how much time you spend with someone doesn’t have to mean cutting them off. It can just mean spending less time with them, or investing less emotional energy when you do see them.
Talking to someone you trust can help with feelings of isolation draining relationships often cause. You may feel like you can’t escape if you don’t talk about it. But the truth is, bottling things up makes it feel more concrete than it is.
You could ask a difficult question: honestly, is the relationship sustainable the way it is now? Reducing or ending contact is a reasonable decision in some situations— not to punish – but a necessary response to something that is genuinely costing you more than you can emotionally afford.

Final thoughts

Identifying that someone in your life is damaging your emotional wellbeing is a big deal. You might have loved this person, felt loved or known them for years. It’s not easy to begin to question any long-standing and familiar relationship.

If any of the above has felt familiar or chimed with you, it might be worth talking it through with someone who is ‘outside of the situation. That’s what counselling is for — not crisis, just clarity. You’re welcome to get in touch to arrange an initial conversation.

If you’re looking to untangle challenges your facing and find a path to firmer ground, I offer a counselling in a space that’s professional but human, gentle but honest. Find out more about me on the ‘About’ page to see if I sound like the right counsellor for you, or visit my Counselling Services page. Feel free get in touch on Whatsapp.

To read more about how individual counselling can help with relationships, visit the relationships page here.

Visit my Counselling Advice Blog for more information and insights into mental health related topics

Samantha@ Candlewood Counselling | Counselling in Newton Abbot (TQ12) and online. Contact Samantha here

Samantha Martin | Counsellor | MBACP | MNCPS ( Accred.)

The Emotional Cost of Relationships that Drain You was first published on the Candlewood Counselling blog. If you are looking for individual counselling in Newton Abbot or online, visit candlewoodcounselling.co.uk

How To Choose Counsellor

Candlewood — Thu, 29 Jan 2026 12:46:48 +0000

This post was written by Candlewood at Candlewood Counselling, a BACP registered counselling practice in Newton Abbot, Devon.

How Do I Choose A Counsellor?

So you’ve decided that now is the right time to begin therapy – that’s fantastic. Taking that first step is a big decision. Now you have to pick who you want to work with. You might find yourself asking: How do I choose a counsellor? What should I look for? Where do I start to find a good counsellor?
Looking for a counsellor may feel overwhelming, like it’s going to take up loads of your time – but trust me, it’s worth taking the time to research your options and think about what you need from your counsellor.

How to know if a counsellor is right for you

Ok. So how do you know if you’ve found ‘the right one’? When it comes to finding your counsellor, it really is up to you. What works for one person may not work for another. If you haven’t worked with a counsellor before then there will be things you don’t know, which may feel uncertain. I know when I looked for a counsellor I had a million questions. But that’s ok. I’m going to try and answer some of the questions I had, below. I’m a qualified counsellor, but I’ve also been the client, so here is my guide to what to look for when choosing a counsellor:

Are they professionally registered and qualified?

The great thing about beginning your search is there are plenty of resources online to help. The bad news is, in the UK the titles ‘counsellor’ and ‘therapist’ are pretty much entirely unregulated. This means that literally anyone can call themselves a ‘counsellor’ without any qualifications or training. Kind of worrying really. A good place to start is to find a counsellor who is registered with a professional body like the BACP ( British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy) or the NCPS ( National Counselling and Psychotherapy Society). Being registered means that a therapist holds a recognised counselling qualification and are committed to continuing professional development. They will also follow a code of ethics and have regular supervision to ensure they are practicing safely. You can find registers of BACP or NCPS members ( or any other professional counselling organisation) online. Make sure you counsellor is listed on there, or ask them which professional body they are registered with.

Do they have experience/ specialisms?

Obviously when picking a counsellor you’ll want someone who has experience working with the things you want help with. So if you’ve experienced depression, you might look specifically for someone who’s worked with depression in the past. Experience is obviously important, but it’s not the only thing to consider. Another thing to look into is a counsellor’s background, their training, how they keep up to date, and their counselling modality- in other words, their overall approach. Lots of counsellors will state their experience clearly on their website. Think about what you personally want to know about your counsellor and their background.

How will it work in practice?

Now you’ve got some ideas about who you might want to work with – think about the practicalities. When will you be able to meet up with your therapist? Where are you based? Do you need online counselling or are you able to travel to meet someone face-to-face?

When are you free?

Let’s start with when. Do you have regular time that you know you’re free? If you’ve never spoken to a therapist before, you might need a bit of clearing some time in your diary. Make sure you have a think about when you’re available before you contact anyone. Most therapists will be pretty flexible when it comes to finding a mutually convenient time. Say you can only meet on Thursday afternoons, just let your potential therapist know. Compatibility is important so early on, let them know your time limitations.

On-line or face-to-face?

Online counselling is increasingly popular. There are benefits and down-sides to both meeting online and face to face. Online counselling means you don’t have to travel to meet someone, which can save time and money. Some people prefer online sessions, others prefer face to face, being physically present with a counsellor in a separated space. Think about what you’d prefer. If you’d like face-to-face counselling, you might want to consider where the therapist is located. If you don’t want to travel too far out of your home area that’s completely reasonable. Decide how far you want to travel and whether it’s important to be physically ‘in the room’ with them.

What can you afford?

Finally a big one is money. Private counselling can be expensive. Think about how much counselling you can realistically afford. Do you need to find lower cost counselling? Can your GP refer you for counselling on the NHS? You may have a long wait, but it might be worth considering. Think about how much money you can afford to pay per session, and see if you can find someone whose rate fits your budget.

Any accessibility needs?

Have you got any access requirements? Make sure your potential therapist can meet your needs. Ask if the counselling rooms are accessible? If you’re deaf do they have a hearing loop? What about if you’re wheelchair user? Whatever your accessibility requirements make sure your potential therapist can cater for your needs.

Feeling Comfortable is really important

Feeling comfortable is key. Every article I read about what makes therapy successful says the same thing. The quality of the relationship between client and therapist is the most important element for positive therapeutic outcomes. Feeling comfortable with your therapist and being able to speak openly with them is essential.
How you feel when you first speak to or meet with your therapist matters. Yes, counselling can be uncomfortable. Yes it will challenge you, and yes you may have to talk about some difficult things. But therapy will always feel awkward if you don’t trust and feel safe with your therapist. Your therapist should empower you to explore your feelings in a safe environment. If you don’t feel safe, it won’t work.

Your first contact with a counsellor

During your initial consultation with your counsellor, chat to them. Ask questions. They’re here to help you but this is also about YOU figuring out if you can trust this person with your thoughts and emotions. Most therapists will offer a free initial consultation as this is their chance to tell you what they offer, and for you to get a sense of who they are and how they come across. Ask your counsellor about how they work, listen to how they respond to you, and see if they feel like someone you can work with. Trust your initial feelings.

Take time to choose

Speak to a few therapists. If you don’t feel at ease, speak to someone else. I can’t stress this enough. Just because you contacted somebody doesn’t mean you have to go with them. Take your time. If you feel pressured into ‘committing’ to a therapist when you first speak to them, then that’s not the right therapist for you.

What if I start, but then don’t like my counsellor?

It happens sometimes. But if you don’t feel like the relationship is working out, tell them! They’ll completely understand. Therapy isn’t always easy. If you feel you’re not getting on with your counsellor it is totally fine to contact them and explain. If you’d like, they could help to find someone new for you to work with. It needs to be right for both of you.

So...what should I ask my counsellor?

I’ve listed a few below but these are just suggestions. Trust your gut and ask whatever you feel will help you decide if you can work with this person.

Questions You Could Ask A Counsellor

• What qualifications do you have? What organisation are you registered with?
• How much experience do you have working with ( insert issue here) ?
• How would you describe your therapy style?
• How long and how frequent are counselling sessions?
• Can you tell me about your availability?
• How will we both know when it’s time to finish counselling?
• How much do you charge per session? Any concessionary rates?
• What is your cancellation policy?

Final thoughts..

Picking a counsellor can feel daunting, but remember you’re taking big steps towards better self-care and looking after your mental health. Asking for help takes courage. Make sure you feel safe and supported with your counsellor so you can openly explore whatever it is that you need to work on.
Good luck, and I hope you find the counsellor that works best for you.

Samantha x

Samantha@ Candlewood Counselling | Counselling in Newton Abbot (TQ12) and online. Contact Samantha here

Samantha Martin | Counsellor | MBACP | MNCPS ( Accred.)

How To Choose Counsellor was first published on the Candlewood Counselling blog. If you are looking for individual counselling in Newton Abbot or online, visit candlewoodcounselling.co.uk