The "Fantasy Family" Trap
The first Christmas after you’ve cut family ties or said ‘No More’ – the silence can be deafening. Family estrangement, especially at Christmas, can be hard. You’re missing them. But – what is the ‘them’ that you’re missing?
According to research by the charity Stand Alone, the hardest part of the Christmas period isn’t always missing the actual people—
it’s missing the potential of them.
You might be grieving an ‘Ambiguous Loss’ (a term coined by Dr. Pauline Boss) – a grief without closure. Are you mourning the warm, safe family Christmas you see in adverts—a Christmas you maybe never really had, even when you were with them?
The Pressure of ‘Should’
A Clear Boundary
Removing yourself from a toxic family dynamic is a healthy choice, a clear boundary drawn for your survival. But it can also feel like a flaw you should fix by December 25th.
When you’ve decided to disconnect is when the guilt can scream the loudest. Your brain may try to edit the past, whispering: “Maybe it wasn’t that bad? Maybe I’m the problem?”
Remember Why You Left
But that pressure to “just let it go for Christmas” dismisses the years of hurt that often led to the split.
Remember why you left. Did you walk away to punish them or was it to save yourself?
Sitting with the discomfort of your decision may be be a lot easier than returning to the emotional chaos.
The Strategy: Write A New Script
Even after years of silence, the Christmas holiday can feel like an emotional wave, pulling you back towards what’s familiar, but toxic
The BACP suggests that the key to coping is to plan and create entirely new, non-traditional rituals that suit you.
My advice for the 25th?
Re-write the script.
Create New Rituals
Don’t cook a roast – eat toast if you want. Don’t watch the Queen’s speech if it reminds you of a Christmas tradition. Walk on Dartmoor. Soak in the bath. Sleep till noon.
Write down three things you gain (e.g. peace, safety, sleep) and three things you won’t miss (e.g. anxiety, shame, damage to your chosen family).
Make the day unrecognisable. New rituals can break old spells.
You Don't have To Explain Yourself
Whether you are navigating your first Christmas of being estranged from family, or feeling the pull of a lengthy separation, know this:
The pressure or expectation to ‘make up’ and have ‘the perfect family Christmas’ is external.
The peace you are building is internal.
You are doing the hard work of breaking a cycle. That deserves respect, not judgement.
Remember that a quiet celebration is a valid celebration – and it may be the greatest gift you could give yourself.
Have a peaceful Christmas x
Samantha@ Candlewood Counselling | Counselling in Newton Abbot (TQ12) and online. Contact Samantha here