Candlewood Counselling

The Emotional Cost of Relationships that Drain You

Candlewood — Mon, 11 May 2026 08:53:45 +0000

This post was written by Candlewood at Candlewood Counselling, a BACP registered counselling practice in Newton Abbot, Devon.

The Emotional Cost of Draining Relationships

Some people leave you feeling light and uplifted after you’ve spent time together. Other people leave you a little bit drained, a little low — even when you love them, and even when the conversation seemed completely fine at the time.

Ignoring these feelings doesn’t make them go away. If you find that you’re often tired, a bit anxious, or just emotionally flat after seeing someone, it’s important to acknowledge what’s going on for you. This isn’t about overreacting, or ending the relationship. It’s about recognising that something about it is taking a toll on you – and that’s worth a closer look.

What is an emotionally draining relationship?

Used casually, ‘draining’ covers a lot of situations. For the purposes of this article, I’m referring to a persistent mismatch between what you put into the relationship emotionally and what you get back.

The cost of giving someone more of yourself than they’re able to return can add up over time. These situations can gradually have an effect on your energy levels, your self-esteem and how you function in everyday life.

Any relationship can feel quite draining at times – it’s normal that sometimes people have bad days, go through difficult periods, and lean on us for support. What makes a relationship draining is its overall pattern. When the majority of your interactions leave you feeling slightly on edge, exhausted or a bit empty, it may be time to get curious about why.

What types of relationships leave you feeling drained?

Relationships that leave you feeling drained can develop with romantic partners, family members, friends, co-workers, or anyone who you spend regular time with.

What separates a draining relationship from a healthier one is that that this relationship feels a bit one-sided. The emotional work isn’t mutually shared.

One person (you) spends more time listening, validating, supporting. The other person doesn’t do the same for you – or may do the opposite of what you need them to.

You may genuinely love spending time with someone who needs emotional support…but when you need support yourself, need to offload or a listening ear, they’re suddenly unable to provide it in kind.

Some people find it genuinely hard to manage the give and take in relationships. They may listen well and offer support on the surface, but avoid any real intimacy or vulnerability themselves. You might feel lonely in such relationships, when you need to feel heard and understood the most. They may leave you feeling a little empty or like you’ve been ‘too much’.

Manipulative or controlling relationships can be harder to identify when you are involved in one. This is often because they tend to use guilt, shame, and other more subtle manipulations to wear you down. You might find yourself questioning your own instincts or values, or backing down and ignoring what you need. You might quietly blame yourself and adjust your behaviour to keep the other person happy.

Unresolved conflict can take a serious emotional toll on you. This could be where arguments are not fully resolved and so keep coming back and re-opening old wounds. These relationships might not be unhealthy, per se, but if you find you’re constantly walking on eggshells or avoiding the elephant in the room to keep the peace, this can seriously drain your reserves.

Codependent relationships can begin with the feeling of ‘just being devoted to each other’. But when we become too focused on someone elses’ needs, and don’t pay attention to our own, this becomes exhausting. It’s easy to confuse loving someone with taking on the bulk of the emotional responsibility in the relationship. So it’s understandable how you might come to feel drained and resentful, if you’re the one working to make the relationship ‘work’.

If someone consistently overshares, interrupts, ignores your boundaries, demands your attention: they’re not respecting your limits. Someone who loves you will want to know what your limits are — and stick to them. Limits aren’t walls. They’re what make a relationship sustainable and secure.

Why do I feel like this?

If someone’s behaviour upsets you, knowing why doesn’t excuse it. It can, however, help you understand why you reacted the way you did, or change how you interact with them going forward. Your relationship with early caregivers has a major impact on how you interact with others later in life. Unless you’ve done specific work around these topics, you might not realise it.

There’s so much more to say about this topic, but briefly, someone with an anxious attachment style may give too much in relationships to avoid abandonment. An avoidant person might shut down emotionally when their partner needs them most.

If you tend to please people, chances are that as a child, it was hard to disappoint someone or assert your own needs. The problem is that it can leave you overwhelmed by other people’s needs as an adult, an so you ‘default’ into prioritizing their needs above your own.

Trauma bonding is another dynamic that can form between two people (usually after a cycle of bad behaviour followed by apologies or warmer treatment). It isn’t weakness or being naive; it’s a known psychological response to unpredictable behaviour that therapy can help you work through.

We subconsciously perpetuate familiar patterns of thinking and behaviour, even when those patterns are painful to us. If you grew up around draining dynamics, you might keep entering relationships like this because it feels familiar to you. There’s nothing wrong with you —it’s how you’ve learned to navigate closeness. Understanding this can be the starting point for something different.

What are the signs of a draining relationship?

This is by no means an exhaustive list. But if you find most of these statements apply over time, it’s worth reflecting on what’s happening in your relationship:

You consistently feel tired or depleted after seeing this person, even if things were ‘fine.’
You experience subtle anxiety when anticipating their calls or replies.
It’s difficult to remember what you want or feel within the relationship.
You feel responsible for their feelings or reactions, often at the expense of your own.
Setting a boundary, or even just saying no, is scary or impossible. Or maybe you just don’t think it’s worth the fight.
You find yourself censoring words or walking on eggshells to prevent any issues.
You can feel ‘immersed the relationship’ most or all of the time.

One difficult conversation or a period where you’re giving a lot is not unusual – this temporary imbalance doesn’t define your relationship. What matters is how consistently you feel some of those things above, and whether, on balance, this describes how you mostly feel about that relationship.

How can counselling help with draining relationships?

Therapy can provide a useful space to talk this out. It doesn’t mean you’ve reached crisis point, or that you’re failing at your relationship. It means that you’re caring for yourself, your peace of mind, and exploring how you can improve your wellbeing.

One of the most beneficial ways counselling can help is providing clarity around what you will and won’t accept from others. You aren’t going to walk away with a bullet-point list of boundaries that magically solves everything. But you can learn to understand your limits, and how to communicate them when you’re ready.

Talking things through with your therapist can help you identify patterns like the ones above. It can also highlight any dynamic you learned early in life that might still be influencing how you connect with people today.

It can also help rebuild your sense of self when you’ve been giving too much of yourself to someone else.

Lastly, therapy can help you understand why you might keep entering relationships like this, which is usually the first step towards breaking the cycle.

What helps with managing a relationship that's draining?

Notice how you feel. Before you see them, during, and after. Patterns become clearer once you start paying attention to them.
Journaling can help, but don’t use it to create a list of grievances. You’re simply looking for patterns and disproving the belief that it’s all in your head.
Small things help build up your limits. If you know saying no to this person fills you with panic, you can start small. Not being available to talk right now is a boundary. Deciding not to engage with a certain topic is another.
Limiting how much time you spend with someone doesn’t have to mean cutting them off. It can just mean spending less time with them, or investing less emotional energy when you do see them.
Talking to someone you trust can help with feelings of isolation draining relationships often cause. You may feel like you can’t escape if you don’t talk about it. But the truth is, bottling things up makes it feel more concrete than it is.
You could ask a difficult question: honestly, is the relationship sustainable the way it is now? Reducing or ending contact is a reasonable decision in some situations— not to punish – but a necessary response to something that is genuinely costing you more than you can emotionally afford.

Final thoughts

Identifying that someone in your life is damaging your emotional wellbeing is a big deal. You might have loved this person, felt loved or known them for years. It’s not easy to begin to question any long-standing and familiar relationship.

If any of the above has felt familiar or chimed with you, it might be worth talking it through with someone who is ‘outside of the situation. That’s what counselling is for — not crisis, just clarity. You’re welcome to get in touch to arrange an initial conversation.

If you’re looking to untangle challenges your facing and find a path to firmer ground, I offer a counselling in a space that’s professional but human, gentle but honest. Find out more about me on the ‘About’ page to see if I sound like the right counsellor for you, or visit my Counselling Services page. Feel free get in touch on Whatsapp.

To read more about how individual counselling can help with relationships, visit the relationships page here.

Visit my Counselling Advice Blog for more information and insights into mental health related topics

Samantha@ Candlewood Counselling | Counselling in Newton Abbot (TQ12) and online. Contact Samantha here

Samantha Martin | Counsellor | MBACP | MNCPS ( Accred.)

The Emotional Cost of Relationships that Drain You was first published on the Candlewood Counselling blog. If you are looking for individual counselling in Newton Abbot or online, visit candlewoodcounselling.co.uk

Anxiety & Perfectionism

Candlewood — Tue, 17 Mar 2026 23:54:36 +0000

This post was written by Candlewood at Candlewood Counselling, a BACP registered counselling practice in Newton Abbot, Devon.

When 'doing well' creates anxiety- Perfectionism

There’s a type of anxiety that does not typically show up as anxiety.
Cloaked externally in achievement, it seems more like ‘putting in the effort’. More like being conscientious. Like being a person who cares about doing things right. It rewards you with praise at work. Respect from your colleagues. A reputation for being dependable. But internally it can feel anything but positive or relaxing. More like a hum in your brain that says ‘it’s not enough’ and that no amount of achievement quite silences.
You worry a lot about doing things perfectly and making mistakes. Maybe you don’t really experience pleasure in your success.
Sound familiar? If you’ve ever wondered whether this feeling could have a clinical explanation — or worried about how its affecting your life and how to effectively treat it — then this is a post for you.

What Is Perfectionism?

Perfectionism isn’t technically a mental health diagnosis. But it is a well-defined psychological concept with clear implications for mental health.
Lead researcher Shafran from the University of Oxford defines clinical perfectionism as overreliance on “the determined pursuit of personally demanding, self-imposed standards in at least one highly valued domain, despite adverse consequences.”
Three points from this definition are worth thinking about:
1. Self-imposed. The standards that appear in your mind are standards you’ve chosen for yourself. Usually standards you would never hold anyone else to so rigorously.
2. Your sense of self worth depends on meeting those standards. There is no floor. Once perfectionism has a grip, you cannot merely “be okay” you have to prove you’re okay.
3. Despite adverse consequences. One of perfectionism’s defining features is how it ignores feedback from your own life. Even when it’s causing distress — to your health, your relationships, your ability to relax or enjoy yourself — your inner critic knows to keep pushing you.

The Perfectionism–Anxiety Connection

Perfectionism’s relationship to anxiety is well documented.

A 2023 literature review published in Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (416 studies with 113,000 participants), found strong links between perfectionism and depression, generalised anxiety, social anxiety, and OCD symptoms.
So it’s not only that perfectionism co-exists with anxiety disorders. They actively feed into each other:
Hyper-alertness to threat. Anxiety depends on perceived threat. If your whole identity depends on performing, then any situation where you will be evaluated (including by yourself) becomes a threat. Chronic physiological arousal becomes your body’s way of responding to that threat — not panic attacks necessarily but struggling to relax, feeling “on edge” and having trouble switching off.

Rumination. Mistake rumination (continually going over things you perceive you did wrong) is a proven pathway between perfectionism and both anxiety and depression. Perfectionists just can’t let go.

Avoidance. Similarly, perfectionism often causes us to procrastinate, not because we don’t want to do the work but because we don’t want to begin or finish a task where there is any risk we won’t meet the standards we’ve set. The temporary reduction in anxiety we get from putting off something important reinforces the belief that we need to be perfect to face it.

Intolerance of uncertainty Perfectionism and anxiety are both fundamentally made worse by uncertainty. When things feel unpredictable or unstable, the effort, the checking, the over-preparation makes us feel safer. Except it doesn’t.

Three Types of Perfectionism — and Why They Matter

Perfectionism is commonly divided into three distinct categories:
● Self-oriented perfectionism is when your high standards apply to yourself.
● Other-oriented perfectionism is when your high standards are applied to other people.
● Socially prescribed perfectionism is when you believe others hold high standards of you.
Each can generate anxiety, but they present differently.
Research finds that self-oriented perfectionism is primarily associated with performance anxiety and depression, particularly when you experience failure. People with high other-oriented perfectionism tend to experience their anxiety through aggression, frustration, or being let down by others.
Socially prescribed perfectionism — generally agreed to be the most damaging to mental health — is when we take others’ expectations as our own, feeling overwhelming pressure to achieve and live up to them.
Studies consistently link it to social anxiety and fear of not belonging. Socially prescribed perfectionism was one of the only types of perfectionism that increased between 1989 and 2016, mainly due to pressure to conform and social comparison, driven by increases in income inequality.

Why Perfectionism Develops

Perfectionism isn’t something you “chose” to do, a flaw in your character or a way of behaving you’ve decided is beneficial. You develop perfectionism because of some combination of factors in your life.
Most research on perfectionism points to early life experiences, particularly where support or acceptance was conditioned on achievement or behaviour. Imagine if, as a child, your parents only loved you when you got good grades or behaved how they wanted. It would stand to reason that becoming perfect would become your number one goal.
That kind of anxiety about not being good enough is logical when it develops — and so is the anxiety it provokes when you fail to live up to ‘perfect’ standards.
The relationship between attachment styles and perfectionism is also widely recognised. In particular, insecure attachment styles (especially anxious attachment) correlate with high perfectionism and low self-compassion.
The problem is self-reinforcing. The more someone struggles with perfectionism the lower their self-compassion becomes.

Why Perfectionism is Difficult to Shift

One of the reasons perfectionism is difficult to shift without support is that it is self-reinforcing. When an outcome is ok, you can come to the conclusion that the effort was necessary, not that it cost you too much. The belief is reinforced. You raise the bar. The cycle continues.

When the outcome isn’t satisfactory, the self-critical response activates, driving further striving, effort and further anxiety. You’re stuck in the cycle.

Seeking Help

Many people living with perfectionism wait a long time before seeking support — in part because perfectionism makes it difficult to feel that the situation is “bad enough” to justify asking for help. There is often a nagging feeling that the solution lies in ‘just trying harder, managing better, or finally getting things right’.

If any of what you have read here feels familiar — an anxiety that no amount of rest seems to fix, the feeling of satisfaction that never quite lands, or thequiet cost to your relationships and wellbeing — it may be worth speaking to a counsellor. Counselling can help by:

Exploring your ‘internal core beliefs’ – understanding why these high standards exist, what they protect, and what they cost
Broadening your self-evaluation: developing a more stable sense of self-worth that doesn’t depend on your ‘performance’
Testing whether the feared consequences of your ‘imperfection’ actually happen
Noticing the self-critical voice and developing a more accurate and compassionate response to yourself.

If you’re interested in finding out more about how I can help with anxiety, visit the anxiety page here.
For more information about how I can help if you’re feeling stressed, visit my counselling for stress page, or read my post about stress here.

To Get in Touch

If you’re looking to to understand what is driving the anxiety, and to build a therapeutic relationship that does not depend on what you achieve, you could contact me at Candlewood Counselling. Based in Newton Abbot and available online, I offer counselling that’s professional but human, gentle but honest, in a confidential, grounded space.

Find out more about me on the ‘About’ page to see if I sound like the right counsellor for you, or visit my Counselling Services page.

Feel free get in touch below on Whatsapp.

Samantha@ Candlewood Counselling | Counselling in Newton Abbot (TQ12) and online. Contact Samantha here

Samantha Martin | Counsellor | MBACP | MNCPS ( Accred.)

Anxiety & Perfectionism was first published on the Candlewood Counselling blog. If you are looking for individual counselling in Newton Abbot or online, visit candlewoodcounselling.co.uk

How To Choose Counsellor

Candlewood — Thu, 29 Jan 2026 12:46:48 +0000

This post was written by Candlewood at Candlewood Counselling, a BACP registered counselling practice in Newton Abbot, Devon.

How Do I Choose A Counsellor?

So you’ve decided that now is the right time to begin therapy – that’s fantastic. Taking that first step is a big decision. Now you have to pick who you want to work with. You might find yourself asking: How do I choose a counsellor? What should I look for? Where do I start to find a good counsellor?
Looking for a counsellor may feel overwhelming, like it’s going to take up loads of your time – but trust me, it’s worth taking the time to research your options and think about what you need from your counsellor.

How to know if a counsellor is right for you

Ok. So how do you know if you’ve found ‘the right one’? When it comes to finding your counsellor, it really is up to you. What works for one person may not work for another. If you haven’t worked with a counsellor before then there will be things you don’t know, which may feel uncertain. I know when I looked for a counsellor I had a million questions. But that’s ok. I’m going to try and answer some of the questions I had, below. I’m a qualified counsellor, but I’ve also been the client, so here is my guide to what to look for when choosing a counsellor:

Are they professionally registered and qualified?

The great thing about beginning your search is there are plenty of resources online to help. The bad news is, in the UK the titles ‘counsellor’ and ‘therapist’ are pretty much entirely unregulated. This means that literally anyone can call themselves a ‘counsellor’ without any qualifications or training. Kind of worrying really. A good place to start is to find a counsellor who is registered with a professional body like the BACP ( British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy) or the NCPS ( National Counselling and Psychotherapy Society). Being registered means that a therapist holds a recognised counselling qualification and are committed to continuing professional development. They will also follow a code of ethics and have regular supervision to ensure they are practicing safely. You can find registers of BACP or NCPS members ( or any other professional counselling organisation) online. Make sure you counsellor is listed on there, or ask them which professional body they are registered with.

Do they have experience/ specialisms?

Obviously when picking a counsellor you’ll want someone who has experience working with the things you want help with. So if you’ve experienced depression, you might look specifically for someone who’s worked with depression in the past. Experience is obviously important, but it’s not the only thing to consider. Another thing to look into is a counsellor’s background, their training, how they keep up to date, and their counselling modality- in other words, their overall approach. Lots of counsellors will state their experience clearly on their website. Think about what you personally want to know about your counsellor and their background.

How will it work in practice?

Now you’ve got some ideas about who you might want to work with – think about the practicalities. When will you be able to meet up with your therapist? Where are you based? Do you need online counselling or are you able to travel to meet someone face-to-face?

When are you free?

Let’s start with when. Do you have regular time that you know you’re free? If you’ve never spoken to a therapist before, you might need a bit of clearing some time in your diary. Make sure you have a think about when you’re available before you contact anyone. Most therapists will be pretty flexible when it comes to finding a mutually convenient time. Say you can only meet on Thursday afternoons, just let your potential therapist know. Compatibility is important so early on, let them know your time limitations.

On-line or face-to-face?

Online counselling is increasingly popular. There are benefits and down-sides to both meeting online and face to face. Online counselling means you don’t have to travel to meet someone, which can save time and money. Some people prefer online sessions, others prefer face to face, being physically present with a counsellor in a separated space. Think about what you’d prefer. If you’d like face-to-face counselling, you might want to consider where the therapist is located. If you don’t want to travel too far out of your home area that’s completely reasonable. Decide how far you want to travel and whether it’s important to be physically ‘in the room’ with them.

What can you afford?

Finally a big one is money. Private counselling can be expensive. Think about how much counselling you can realistically afford. Do you need to find lower cost counselling? Can your GP refer you for counselling on the NHS? You may have a long wait, but it might be worth considering. Think about how much money you can afford to pay per session, and see if you can find someone whose rate fits your budget.

Any accessibility needs?

Have you got any access requirements? Make sure your potential therapist can meet your needs. Ask if the counselling rooms are accessible? If you’re deaf do they have a hearing loop? What about if you’re wheelchair user? Whatever your accessibility requirements make sure your potential therapist can cater for your needs.

Feeling Comfortable is really important

Feeling comfortable is key. Every article I read about what makes therapy successful says the same thing. The quality of the relationship between client and therapist is the most important element for positive therapeutic outcomes. Feeling comfortable with your therapist and being able to speak openly with them is essential.
How you feel when you first speak to or meet with your therapist matters. Yes, counselling can be uncomfortable. Yes it will challenge you, and yes you may have to talk about some difficult things. But therapy will always feel awkward if you don’t trust and feel safe with your therapist. Your therapist should empower you to explore your feelings in a safe environment. If you don’t feel safe, it won’t work.

Your first contact with a counsellor

During your initial consultation with your counsellor, chat to them. Ask questions. They’re here to help you but this is also about YOU figuring out if you can trust this person with your thoughts and emotions. Most therapists will offer a free initial consultation as this is their chance to tell you what they offer, and for you to get a sense of who they are and how they come across. Ask your counsellor about how they work, listen to how they respond to you, and see if they feel like someone you can work with. Trust your initial feelings.

Take time to choose

Speak to a few therapists. If you don’t feel at ease, speak to someone else. I can’t stress this enough. Just because you contacted somebody doesn’t mean you have to go with them. Take your time. If you feel pressured into ‘committing’ to a therapist when you first speak to them, then that’s not the right therapist for you.

What if I start, but then don’t like my counsellor?

It happens sometimes. But if you don’t feel like the relationship is working out, tell them! They’ll completely understand. Therapy isn’t always easy. If you feel you’re not getting on with your counsellor it is totally fine to contact them and explain. If you’d like, they could help to find someone new for you to work with. It needs to be right for both of you.

So...what should I ask my counsellor?

I’ve listed a few below but these are just suggestions. Trust your gut and ask whatever you feel will help you decide if you can work with this person.

Questions You Could Ask

• What qualifications do you have? What organisation are you registered with?
• How much experience do you have working with ( insert issue here) ?
• How would you describe your therapy style?
• How long and how frequent are counselling sessions?
• Can you tell me about your availability?
• How will we both know when it’s time to finish counselling?
• How much do you charge per session? Any concessionary rates?
• What is your cancellation policy?

Final thoughts..

Picking a counsellor can feel daunting, but remember you’re taking big steps towards better self-care and looking after your mental health. Asking for help takes courage. Make sure you feel safe and supported with your counsellor so you can openly explore whatever it is that you need to work on.
Good luck, and I hope you find the counsellor that works best for you.

Samantha x

Samantha@ Candlewood Counselling | Counselling in Newton Abbot (TQ12) and online. Contact Samantha here

Samantha Martin | Counsellor | MBACP | MNCPS ( Accred.)

How To Choose Counsellor was first published on the Candlewood Counselling blog. If you are looking for individual counselling in Newton Abbot or online, visit candlewoodcounselling.co.uk

Understanding Stress -How Counselling Can Help

Candlewood — Sat, 10 Jan 2026 12:33:19 +0000

This post was written by Candlewood at Candlewood Counselling, a BACP registered counselling practice in Newton Abbot, Devon.

How Can Counselling Help With Stress?

Stress can quietly creep up on adults without us noticing at first. Perhaps you start to recognise it in the busy mornings and frazzled evenings. Or maybe it’s when you realise that you feel like you constantly need to ‘keep going’. For some people stress creeps in gradually; not necessarily caused by one huge life event, but by a constant drip-drip of responsibilities, expectations and ‘what ifs’.

Counselling support can help by allowing you some time and space to explore what’s going on in your life. A counsellor can help you look at what’s causing the symptoms you’re experiencing, and then help you work out what you need to feel more relaxed.

When Stress Becomes Part of Everyday Life

Stress is part of life. But when it becomes part of your everyday experience, it can start to impact how you feel and function. Many of us believe we just have to ‘cope’ with stress, but never take time to unravel it. We may then start to feel worn down, disconnected from others or find themselves wondering why things have suddenly become more difficult. Looking at stress — and when it might be helpful to talk to someone — is often the first step to feeling more like yourself again. of a fuss. Over time, this can leave individuals feeling worn down, disconnected, or unsure why things feel harder than they used to. Understanding stress — and recognising when it may help to seek support — can be an important first step towards feeling more balanced again.

What Is Stress?

When we experience stress, it’s the body and mind’s response to pressure. When something feels challenging or threatening, the body releases stress hormones. This can cause physical and mental changes that help us cope.
For example, short bursts of stress can help us focus, feel energised and help us problem solve.
This stress response is temporary, and the body is designed to return to normal once a stressful situation has passed.

Short-Term Stress V's Ongoing Stress

The trouble with stress sometimes is that it doesn’t always go away. If we experience ongoing challenges without regular relief, stressors can continue impacting on our thoughts, emotions and bodies.
The effects of short-term stress generally ‘switch-off’ once a situation is resolved. We might feel exhausted after a short period of time, but usually return to our day-to-day selves once it has passed.

Ongoing stress, on the other hand, can leave us feeling tired, overwhelmed, anxious and irritable. Constant stress can occur if there is little opportunity to unwind, refuel or feel emotionally supported.
Ongoing stress is not something we should just learn to live with. It’s a sign that too much pressure has been building for too long.

What Are the Causes of Stress?

When it comes to causes of stress, there’s no typical answer. For some, pressures at work or concern over job stability can contribute to their experience. For others, it may be financial pressures, relationship problems, caring responsibilities or health problems.

Stress can also arise from changes in our lives, even when these are expected or positive. Becoming a parent, moving house, feeling uncertainty about your identity or life role. Some people are impacted by the constant news cycles, speaking of troubling world events; societal pressures, and uncertainty about the future can weigh heavily on the mind.

It’s also important to remember that stress feels different for everyone. Some people can cope with many stressors while others can feel overwhelmed by small changes. Only you can determine whether your stress feels manageable, so it can sometimes be unhelpful to compare your stress levels to others.

How Does Stress Affect You?

Stress affects people in many ways. Some of the physical and emotional effects of stress are subtle, others less-so.

Emotional and Physical Effects of Stress

Stress can impact our emotions and mood. Many people find they feel more irritable, anxious, ‘down’ or numb.
Physically, stress can manifest as tiredness, muscle tension, headaches or changes to our sleep and appetite.

How Stress Can Affect Thinking and Behaviour

Many people also notice a change to how stress affects their thinking. It can make concentration difficult, decisions feel laboured and worries begin to feel repetitive. You may find yourself withdrawing from loved ones or losing interest in activities that used to bring you joy.
All of these reactions are normal responses to stress, not personal weaknesses or failure to deal with life’s difficulties.

Why Stress Can Feel Hard to Talk About

Stress is something many adults experience, but it’s also something that can be difficult to talk about. Some people dismiss their stress, convincing themselves that others have it worse. Others believe talking about stress will make them a burden to loved ones.
There can also be a sense that stress is just ‘adulting’ and we all have to deal with it. But when we don’t talk about stress, we can end up isolated with our problems, perhaps feeling that we just have to ‘get on with it’ or that it’s not bad enough to ask for help with.
These feelings are valid and understandable. Many are based on messages we learn over time about what it means to ‘cope’.

How Counselling Can Help with Stress

Counselling gives you space to talk openly about stress. You won’t be judged or expected to have all the answers. Counselling isn’t about being told what to do. Instead, counsellors support you to explore what you’re experiencing. Talking things through can help you understand why you’re feeling the way you do.
Counselling isn’t just for when you’ve reached crisis point. If stress is weighing you down, counselling can provide support at any stage.

What Stress Counselling Can Offer

Some people find counselling helps them untangle complicated situations and look at what’s going on from a different perspective. Others find it helps them learn how to say no or prioritise their own needs.
Often, people experience counselling as simply feeling heard. Having someone listen without judgement and help you find some ways forward can help you feel less alone with your stress.

Taking a Moment to Reflect

Try taking a moment to think about how stress affects you. When was the last time you had time to sit and relax? Is there anything you’ve felt unable to talk about?

Take a few deep breaths and notice what comes up for you. Sometimes pause can help you connect with what you need, rather than what you think you should feel.

Support for Stress in Newton Abbot and Beyond

Stress doesn’t have to be something you fight on your own.
Talking to someone about stress can bring small moments of relief. Over time, support can help you gain more understanding of your stress. You can begin to find your balance again.

Talking to someone about stress isn’t a sign of weakness. Quite the opposite; taking care of your mental health is an important part of taking care of yourself.

If you’re looking to work through the pressures and challenges you’re facing, and find a path to firmer ground, I offer a counselling in a space that’s professional but human, gentle but honest. Find out more about how I work on the About page and Counselling Services Stress page.

Or get in touch on Whatsapp

Common Questions About Stress and Counselling (FAQ)

Do I need counselling if I’m feeling stressed but still coping?
Many people make use of counselling services whilst continuing to work or looking after their home life. Counselling can give you the space to explore your stress before things become unmanageable.

Can counselling help with ongoing stress?
Yes! Counselling offers a safe, confidential space to talk through stressors. It can help you notice patterns and respond to stress in more helpful ways.

Is stress counselling only for severe stress or burnout?
No. Stress counselling can be beneficial at various stages of stress. Even if you feel like you’re coping, counselling can offer support if stress feels heavy, persistent or draining.

Will counselling give me techniques to manage stress?
Everyone is different, and as therapists we recognise this. Some clients will benefit from learning specific techniques to manage stress. However, it can also be helpful to take time to reflect on where the problems began, how they’ve evolved and perhaps what needs to change. Counselling is shaped around your needs.

How long does counselling for stress usually last?
This will vary from client to client. Some people prefer short-term support, others use counselling longer term, based on what they are experiencing and what they want to get out of their counselling sessions. We’ll regularly review our work to make sure you feel it’s heading in the right direction.

Sources and further reading (UK-based):

NHS – Read guidance on stress from the NHS: https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/feelings-symptoms-behaviours/stress/
Mind – Read more about Understanding stress from MIND: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/stress/
British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP) – Answer to the question ‘What is counselling?’: https://www.bacp.co.uk/about-therapy/what-is-counselling/
Mental Health Foundation –Read more about the effects of stress: https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/explore-mental-health/a-z-topics/stress

Samantha@ Candlewood Counselling | Counselling in Newton Abbot (TQ12) and online. Contact Samantha here

Samantha Martin | Counsellor | MBACP | MNCPS ( Accred.)

Understanding Stress -How Counselling Can Help was first published on the Candlewood Counselling blog. If you are looking for individual counselling in Newton Abbot or online, visit candlewoodcounselling.co.uk

The January Blues | Newton Abbot

Candlewood — Mon, 05 Jan 2026 19:09:58 +0000

This post was written by Candlewood at Candlewood Counselling, a BACP registered counselling practice in Newton Abbot, Devon.

Understanding the January Blues: Newton Abbot

The fairy lights come down, the bills arrive, and suddenly you’re staring towards February through a grey window, wondering why you feel totally flat

This is January. Not the Instagram version with yoga mats and juice cleanses. The real one, where you’re too tired to care about self-improvement and too broke to pay for a gym membership.

Your body is probably a bit confused. For weeks it filled up on mince pies and stayed up late watching festive telly. Now January has flipped a switch and is expecting normal service to resume. Meanwhile the sun sets at half four and your bank account is wiped out.

What Are the January Blues?

True, it can be about circadian rhythms and serotonin levels—reduced daylight throwing your internal clock out of sync. But it may be also true that you spent December running on fumes and fairy lights, and now your tank is empty.

People call it the January blues -not a diagnosis, but the name we’ve given to that flat, grey feeling that settles in after the decorations come down.

Blue Monday: Myth or Reality?

We hear in the media this idea that the third Monday in January is scientifically the most depressing day of the year. It as a PR stunt for a travel company. The whole thing is manufactured, but that said—people do feel rotten in January. The marketing story doesn’t invalidate the lived experience. You can know Blue Monday is made up and still wake up feeling like soggy wrapping paper.

January Blues vs Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)

Seasonal Affective Disorder is different. SAD isn’t just feeling a bit down because it’s dark and cold. It’s depression that arrives with the season and leaves when spring does, affecting roughly one in fifteen people here.

The difference: your low mood doesn’t lift after a decent night’s sleep or a walk in what little daylight we get. It settles in like a houseguest who won’t leave. You lose interest in things that usually matter. You oversleep but wake up exhausted. Your brain feels like it’s wading through porridge.

This isn’t about motivation or toughing it out. It’s brain chemistry responding to lack of light. If this sounds familiar, it might be worth talking to your GP. There are treatments—light therapy, talking therapy, medication—that genuinely help.

The Pressure of “New Year, New Me”

January arrives dragging this enormous suitcase of expectations. Lose weight. Get organized. Be productive. Optimize yourself into some shinier, more efficient version of you.

You don’t have to buy into any of that.

You might not need an overhaul. You might just need a break. For many, whilst Christmas may be enjoyable, it’s not relaxing. Spending a month shopping, decorating, cooking, entertaining and showing up as your most festive self can be exhausting. So the pressure to then transform yourself in January when you’re running on empty, can feel crushing. Mind—the mental health charity—recognises this, but the message can get drowned out by the noise of new year fitness and healths transformation programs.

Rest isn’t failure. Slowing down isn’t giving up. Sometimes what you need most is to acknowledge you’re tired and give yourself permission to just… stop.

Practical Ways to Support Your Mental Health in January

Instead of resolutions, maybe try boundaries.

Saying no to things.

Going to bed early without guilt.

Spending an evening doing nothing productive whatsoever.

Winter is a season that asks for dormancy. Trees aren’t frantically trying to grow in January. Hedgehogs aren’t setting goals. You’re an animal too, and the dark months are for conserving energy, not burning through it.

Connection can help more than you’d think. Not forced socializing, but reaching out to someone who gets it. A friend who won’t try to fix you. A counsellor who’ll let you talk without jumping straight to solutions.

When to Seek Support

January is hard. The blues are real even if Blue Monday isn’t. You’re allowed to feel slow and quiet and not particularly optimistic about the year ahead.

If the low feeling persists beyond a couple of weeks. If you’re struggling to function—not just dragging yourself through the day, but genuinely unable to manage basic tasks. If you’re withdrawing from everyone and everything, or if hopelessness starts feeling permanent rather than passing.

Support exists if you need it. Needing it doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you’re human, and humans aren’t built to sprint through winter pretending everything’s fine. Counselling services can offer space to untangle what you’re feeling without judgment. This isn’t about ‘fixing’ yourself. It’s about having support while you figure out what you need.

Be kind to yourself in 2026

Samantha x

If you’re looking to untangle challenges your facing and find a path to firmer ground, I offer a counselling in a space that’s professional but human, gentle but honest. Find out more about how I work on About and Counselling Services pages. Or get in touch on Whatsapp

Samantha@ Candlewood Counselling | Counselling in Newton Abbot (TQ12) and online. Contact Samantha here

The January Blues | Newton Abbot was first published on the Candlewood Counselling blog. If you are looking for individual counselling in Newton Abbot or online, visit candlewoodcounselling.co.uk

How to manage the ‘shoulds’ at Christmas

Candlewood — Mon, 22 Dec 2025 09:55:13 +0000

This post was written by Candlewood at Candlewood Counselling, a BACP registered counselling practice in Newton Abbot, Devon.

How to manage the 'shoulds' at Christmas...

The glitter in the high street shop windows on the doesn’t tell the whole story. For some of us, December arrives like a rising tide of ‘shoulds’: You should be happy. You should spend money you don’t have. You should reconcile with people who haven’t earned your time and attention.

It’s heavy, complicated, draining.

Real life is messy

The adverts would have us believe that behind each warmly-lit, cosy-looking window and door, there is a heart-warming Christmas scene, of three generations of family around a turkey. But the truth is often much messier. Maybe this is your first year of silence, of stepping away from family obligations. Maybe you’re navigating the “Phantom Limb” of estrangement—missing a version of a family that never actually existed. Or maybe you’re just exhausted from the performance of ‘getting in the Christmas Spirit’.

You are allowed to reclaim the calendar.

If the thought of a full-blown family production makes you want to hide, shrink the schedule. Your Christmas doesn’t have to be a fortnight of endurance; it can be a single, quiet afternoon. It can be a walk through the Teign Valley where the only noise is the river, or a day where the “traditional roast” is replaced by whatever actually brings you comfort.

Here is how you could draw a line in the Devon frost this year:

The "Silent" Permission

If you are navigating estrangement, the silence isn’t a failure. It’s a boundary you built to stay safe. You don’t owe anyone a seat at your table just because it’s December.

The "1-in-5" Reality

You are allowed to say No.

No to the party you don’t have the energy for. No to the relative who always upsets you. No to spending money you don’t have just to “keep up.” Try to communicate your plans sooner rather than later, early so people know what to expect. Saying something like, “I can only stay for two hours this year” makes things clearer.

Edit the Script

If specific traditions feel like salt in a wound, scrap them. Start a ritual that belongs only to you—one that doesn’t require you to perform “happy” for an audience.

The Cost of ‘Coping’

Financial and emotional strain often peak now. If “making it perfect” is costing you your peace of mind, the price is too high.

A Final thought..

While the lights on the high street may try to convince us everything is sparkling, it’s okay to acknowledge the grey. You aren’t failing at Christmas; you’re succeeding at protecting your own mental health.

Enjoy your peace this Christmas x

If you’re struggling with being estranged from your family at Christmas, you may find my blog post on family estrangement at Christmas useful. Read it here.

If you’re looking to untangle challenges your facing and find a path to firmer ground, I offer a counselling in a space that’s professional but human, gentle but honest. Find out more about how I work on About and Counselling Services pages. Or get in touch on Whatsapp

Samantha@ Candlewood Counselling | Counselling in Newton Abbot (TQ12) and online. Contact Samantha here

How to manage the ‘shoulds’ at Christmas was first published on the Candlewood Counselling blog. If you are looking for individual counselling in Newton Abbot or online, visit candlewoodcounselling.co.uk

The “Fantasy Family” Trap

Candlewood — Tue, 16 Dec 2025 00:37:18 +0000

This post was written by Candlewood at Candlewood Counselling, a BACP registered counselling practice in Newton Abbot, Devon.

Family Estrangement at Christmas

Are You Missing Them?

Or Are You Missing Who You Wanted Them To Be?

Candlewood Counselling Newton Abbot

The "Fantasy Family" Trap

The first Christmas after you’ve cut family ties or said ‘No More’ – the silence can be deafening. Family estrangement, especially at Christmas, can be hard. You’re missing them. But – what is the ‘them’ that you’re missing?

According to research by the charity Stand Alone, the hardest part of the Christmas period isn’t always missing the actual people—

it’s missing the potential of them.

You might be grieving an ‘Ambiguous Loss’ (a term coined by Dr. Pauline Boss) – a grief without closure. Are you mourning the warm, safe family Christmas you see in adverts—a Christmas you maybe never really had, even when you were with them?

The Pressure of ‘Should’

A Clear Boundary

Removing yourself from a toxic family dynamic is a healthy choice, a clear boundary drawn for your survival. But it can also feel like a flaw you should fix by December 25th.

When you’ve decided to disconnect is when the guilt can scream the loudest. Your brain may try to edit the past, whispering: “Maybe it wasn’t that bad? Maybe I’m the problem?”

Remember Why You Left

But that pressure to “just let it go for Christmas” dismisses the years of hurt that often led to the split.

Remember why you left. Did you walk away to punish them or was it to save yourself?

Sitting with the discomfort of your decision may be be a lot easier than returning to the emotional chaos.

The Strategy: Write A New Script

Even after years of silence, the Christmas holiday can feel like an emotional wave, pulling you back towards what’s familiar, but toxic

The BACP suggests that the key to coping is to plan and create entirely new, non-traditional rituals that suit you.

My advice for the 25th?

Re-write the script.

Create New Rituals

Don’t cook a roast – eat toast if you want. Don’t watch the Queen’s speech if it reminds you of a Christmas tradition. Walk on Dartmoor. Soak in the bath. Sleep till noon.

Write down three things you gain (e.g. peace, safety, sleep) and three things you won’t miss (e.g. anxiety, shame, damage to your chosen family).

Make the day unrecognisable. New rituals can break old spells.

You Don't have To Explain Yourself

Whether you are navigating your first Christmas of being estranged from family, or feeling the pull of a lengthy separation, know this:

The pressure or expectation to ‘make up’ and have ‘the perfect family Christmas’ is external.

The peace you are building is internal.

You are doing the hard work of breaking a cycle. That deserves respect, not judgement.

Remember that a quiet celebration is a valid celebration – and it may be the greatest gift you could give yourself.

Have a peaceful Christmas x

If you often struggle emotionally after the festive season, you might also recognise the experience described in our article on the January blues.

Samantha@ Candlewood Counselling | Counselling in Newton Abbot (TQ12) and online. Contact Samantha here

The “Fantasy Family” Trap was first published on the Candlewood Counselling blog. If you are looking for individual counselling in Newton Abbot or online, visit candlewoodcounselling.co.uk

Does “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year” Feel Draining? Tips to Survive Christmas Stress – Newton Abbot

Candlewood — Thu, 11 Dec 2025 10:53:46 +0000

This post was written by Candlewood at Candlewood Counselling, a BACP registered counselling practice in Newton Abbot, Devon.

Tips for managing Christmas Stress

Does “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year” Feel Draining?

Tips to Survive Christmas

Candlewood Counselling Newton Abbot

So, let’s be honest for a moment… The adverts tell us this season is all about sparkling tables, perfect families, and unbridled joy. But for many of us, the countdown to Christmas feels like a tightening in the chest. You’re not the Grinch — you’re human.

Why Christmas Can Feel Draining

Christmas has a way of magnifying everything. If you’re grieving, the empty chair at the table feels bigger. If you’re struggling financially, the pressure to buy feels stronger. If your family dynamic is complicated, the obligation to “keep the peace” can be exhausting.
According to the mental health charity Mind, nearly a third of people feel unable to cope with the pressure of Christmas. You aren’t alone in this.

Practical Tips to Manage Festive Stress

Drop the “Perfect”

Real life isn’t a John Lewis advert. The turkey might be dry. The kids might argue. You might feel tired. That’s okay. Lowering expectations isn’t failure; it’s an act of self-care.

Boundaries Are Your Best Friend

You are allowed to say No.

Make Space for Grief

If you are missing someone, trying to force “happiness” over your sadness usually backfires, leaving you feeling under pressure to ‘perform’ happiness. It’s okay to raise a glass to them, cry, or step out of the room for a breather.

Schedule the “Do Nothing” Time

We often schedule every minute of December. Try scheduling some being. A walk in the cold air, ten minutes with a book, or just sitting quietly before heading into the house.

A Final thought..

A final thought: You don’t have to perform joy for anyone else’s benefit if you’re not feeling it. If you just need to get through the next few weeks quietly and gently, that is enough. Look after yourself in the coming weeks x

If you’re feeling stressed and burnt out, visit my page Counselling for Stress for more information about how you may be affected by stress and how counselling can help

If you often struggle emotionally after the festive season, you might also recognise the experience described in my blog post on the January blues.

Samantha@ Candlewood Counselling | Counselling in Newton Abbot (TQ12) and online. Contact Samantha here

Does “The Most Wonderful Time of the Year” Feel Draining? Tips to Survive Christmas Stress – Newton Abbot was first published on the Candlewood Counselling blog. If you are looking for individual counselling in Newton Abbot or online, visit candlewoodcounselling.co.uk